My life, I see it spiralling out of control,
Each day giving me motion sickness,
My eyes struggling to regain focus on sanity,
My body slowly seizing,
Trying to release the guilt and shame I've allowed to enter my core.
This, my life, emotionally killing me from the inside out.
The self-destruction continues as I watch in horror.

The weather outside my window reflecting the cold,
Tainted dwellings of my heart inside of me.
Each raindrop imitating my tears,
Competing with them to see which will fall faster.
The clouds mocking me,
Tempting me to shed more tears than the storm they produce.
Each passing wind forcing my heavy sighs,
The darkness shutting my eyes,
And the lightning echoing my pained cries.

I'm suffocating.
Stemmed from delightful hyperventilation,
Which allowed me to at least breathe
Between shortened gasps;
I now long for that second wind
While I feel my air supply drifting.
This week.This life.
This reality of mine compels me
To question the Lord's intent.
Never do I doubt His authority,
But my sinful eyes fail to see
The path He's lain out for me.
I wonder what He wants me to be,
And how someone as displeasing as me
Could've fallen from divinity's tree.
What am I doing? Why me?

I don't believe my cries have fallen on deaf ears,
But I do feel they have weakened in their argument.
If I do truly want to be free,
I can't continue damaging personal property.
I can't continue asking for forgiveness
When it's not my intent to cease my actions.
I have no right to fight the hand gripped around my throat
If I can't appreciate the breath of release.

My life is my blame to bare,
My burden to carry,
My hell to walk through,
Until the day I finally decide
To no longer be a victim of my decisions,
But an advocate of my salvation.

Chantell Siler a.k.a. Mélange Poet was born in Siler City, North Carolina and have been living in Greenville for the past 5 years. She is a licensed massage therapist who has been writing since age 9 (songs, poems, plays, stories). A few years ago, she met Lester Howard (of Zion Promotions), and he helped in taking her craft to the next level. From his influence she has performed in some poetry shows. She also does occasional call-in radio shows, where she has become acquainted with many talented poets.

She is the author of Through My Eyes, a self-published book she wrote with a style of conversation to a friend about significant life events from childhood into adulthood. Throughout the story she uses poetry she has written over the years to tell certain events.


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